I LOVE MYSELF

I tried to look into the mirror today,

Look into my eyes and say,

“I love you, Maria! You are perfect the way you are”

I looked into my eyes and said, “I love,

I stopped and broke down into sobs.

Do I really love my self? I wondered.

REJECTION

I was born perfect-two arms two legs,

Organs intact- A perfect child.

But, somehow, I was not enough.

Mother didn’t want me; she thought I was daddy’s little pet,

Father saw mommy in me, he choose to beset.

Brother dearest wanted me dead, told me I was a decision they regret.

How subtle the abuse, but, it scarred me deep within,

Nothing I ever said or did, condoned me of the sin

Of being alive, being around the same space and time

As the people who were meant to love,

The child they brought into the world, a symbol of their love.

But, I was no symbol, just a mistake, one they have to live with now.

UNWORTHY

Why do we teach children they need to be deserving of love?

Why don’t we teach them that they are lovable, here and now?

If someone told me when I was 5, that I am loved just the way I am,

Would I have made the same mistakes, would I give a damn?

I think so, no, I know so- it would have changed the way I saw

The world around me, I wouldn’t have been withdrawn.

It’s not easy to compete with perfection- I was always too weak,

Too stupid too shy, too sad, too opinionated, too lost, and too meek.

“What will become of her?” They wondered aloud, judgment ready

No hope in her to survive the cold harsh world outside, feet unsteady

I’d run. I’d run inward, until inside my shell, I’m safe and sound,

No hope for the future, all hope and dreams crushed to the ground.

MISTRUST

One in which confidence is placed, thus it is defined,

Trust. The one thing you taught me never to do until I find

Someone worthy. But, how could I? When all you ever taught me

Was to never trust anybody- friend or foe, you wouldn’t let me be.

Convinced the world was out to get me, you always advised,

Steer clear of men and their sweet talks, they’re just devils disguised.

I listened to you intently; your fears became mine too,

Craving for your approval, I did as you asked me to do.

“Men only want one thing, men cannot feel, they only lust,” you’d say,

Fear of being used made me turn my back on love and walk away.

Today, I’m paranoid, delusional, distrusting of everyone,

The damage that you have caused can not be undone.

UNHAPPINESS

What is it to be happy? I’ve pondered many times before,

Is it joy? Satisfaction? Pleasure? Or is it something more?

From when I can remember, I was the cause of all your pain,

The reason you were unhappy, the target of all your disdain.

Somehow, Somewhere, things went terribly wrong,

I’ve been guilt-ridden, blaming myself for so long.

Unworthy of this life, I tried to kill myself, but, try as I might

I never succeeded, even God thinks I’m deserving of this plight.

Loneliness, my only friend, I still bore your intolerance with a smile,

I tried and I still try, to make you happy, accept me if only for a while.

Happiness to a lost cause is a dream, to be dreamt on lonely nights,

When the paranoia stills for a bit, when Hope tries to shine bright.

WHO AM I?

What has rejection taught me? What have I gained with fear?

Self-loathing, mistrust and unhappiness, has brought me here

To a place where I can no longer look in the mirror and say,

“I love you, Maria. You are lovable- you are perfect in everyway.”

Am I the sum of my beliefs? Ingrained into me, not even my own.

How do I define my Self, my identity, into what have I grown?

I look into the mirror once more; I have to let go, somehow

Reach into the inner child, pure and perfect, I have to learn to love.

I am not what you tried to make me believe, I cannot be.

I am not the sum of your beliefs, I’m my own, I am unique.

I can mould, adapt, and change everything to become the best of me,

A person who can trust, love, accept, know my Self. You’ll see.

EPIPHANY

I am, and that is enough. I am this moment- this here and now.

I am what I choose to be, I am limitless possibility, I am Love.

I am my best friend, I am my guide, within me is the truth I seek-

If I look within I can find- Courage, Strength, I am no longer weak.

I choose to break free from your shackles of misery, erase these scars.

I Love you, Maria. You are infinite; everlasting- you are perfect the way you are.

MY PRAYER

If I were to die today,

And you saw no hope for tomorrow,

I hope you know, that I’d find a way

To wipe away the pain- keep you free from sorrow.

If I were to leave your side,

Leave you alone to fight the wrong,

Know that in your heart would I abide,

In your soul will I be-where I’ve been all along.

If I had ceased to exist,

And your reason to live was no more,

I’d demand that heaven lift that depressing mist,

And make you smile from within your soul.

If I were to die today,

And fill your heart and soul with grief,

I’d stand by your side, pray everyday,

I’d never rest, until your soul finds relief.

DO WE MAKE LOVE?

Could I ever pen down, what you do to me?
It's been a while since I felt this way,
Been so long since love came my way
but, none of that really concerns me.
What I really think about- the context of my reveries
is, Do we make love?

I remember the day you first asked me
permission, to kiss my cheek.
It was the day we first met.
Letting you in, then, was my best bet.
As we sipped on our wine,
I gave in- you wanted to be mine.

Thus began this torrid romance,
I'm so glad I took a chance,but,
none of these, highlight my turmoil,
none of that, makes me recoil.
It's a singular thought that pesters me now-
do we make love?

I have no doubt you love me, oh no!
You will love me always, that i know,
That's not what has me perturbed.
It's not how you make me feel that's got me disturbed.
It's what we do in the dead of night,
Is what we do even decent? Is it right?

I remember the night we first copulated,
The first time I ever felt sated.
Little did I know that pain could be my pleasure
Little did I know that i could spasm to no measure.
So i wonder now, all the things we do- how
do we call that making love?

I cannot tell peers just what i do,
Cannot tell the world what i have with you.
Again, my love, I doubt not your affection
I'm engrossed in our pleasurable affliction,
Aberrations of nature that has it's fill
Deviances we partake in, when all is still.

I digress, my purpose is to find closure.
Not to taint our copulation with overexposure.
I need focus, need to stay in tune,
revealing too much would be inopportune,
Then, lets begin with- if I dare,
The moment your palm made contact with my derriere.


Note how i say derriere and not ass,
I am trying to maintain some class
and civility. Lest i say- fuck, spank, gag, bind,
These words can steal my innocence blind.
Children in your neighborhood can no longer dream
due to the nightmares we expose them to, courtesy- my screams.

We try so hard to maintain discretion,
but, how do we contain our latent aggression?
Where do we draw the line, if there is one at all?
How do I contain myself when I am pinned to the wall?
Can I purge myself in the eyes of the sane?
Disclosure calls forward the people's disdain.

Again, I digress- its not judgement that concerns me.
It's not the people, the traumas, or the marks that elude me.
Anomalies so similar- the acts we divulge in,
Permanence that denies me from returning to who i had been.
We fit- you fit me like a hand to a glove!
But, darling, Do we make love?

Can hitting me till I writhe in pain,
ecstasy, leaving me screaming again and again.
Binds that leave my wrist marked blue,
Be what defines the love between me and you?
Is letting you venture into every avenue in me,
the way we make love? The only way we can be?

Conclusively, my thoughts having left me blurred,
From our “love-making” I have inferred-
Nothing, but a simple and inconclusive fact-
one that I have reached with no particular tact.
You love me, of that, I am sure as sure can be.
We fuck, we don't make love. But, it no longer eludes me.

O'ER THE IRISH BAY

I hear the bagpipes call out to me,

Not yet, I need to set my heart free.

There is much to do before I yield,

Tis for the Highlands that I bleed.

My love calls out,in midnight breeze,

A gentle sigh, a moan to cease,

Lips that long for nectar sweet,

Jubilant release when lovers meet.

In this land, will I lay my heart for you,

Through blizzard n sunshine, promise to be true.

This earth is ours- lie with me, sleep...

Return to me,dearest, my heart's keep.

I heard the bagpipes call out today,

Without hesitation I choose to stay,

Luring my true love, who is so far away...

Somewhere over the Irish bay.

THE LITTLE BUDDHA

I walk the path less trod upon,

Seeking adventures to enrich my soul,

And upon one such journey,

I had an experience that made me whole.

A little girl walked the streets

selling roses, to lovers who cared to buy,

She walked up to me and offered one,

I lied- told her my wallet had run dry.

She coaxed and pleaded me futher still,

Promising to drop the price, she wouldn't let me be.

I apologized, and stuck to my lie,

For the truth was, I had no one that loved me.

She walked beside me, coaxing me still,

Until i tired of her company.

'Twas when i turned to shoo her away

that she whispered words that lead to my epiphany.

She told me that, a rose is but a flower,

it's meanings many can be,

much like love is but an emotion,

how i understand it is left to me.

At that moment, i understood,

from a child i learned, how perception had clouded me.

I bought her roses,told her i love her,

she blushed n ran away, not knowing she set me free.

THIS IS IT

how do i tell you how i feel without hurting inside,
how do i tell you you're all i want and make you mine?
i spend so long waiting, missing you doesn hurt no more,
i waited so long im not even sure how i feel anymore.

you walked away once, you weren sure back then,
you didn wanna hurt me,but i was dying within.
your back now and i wonder if this time you will stay,
but since i kno you so well, i think you'll jus hurt me anyway.

people fell in and out of love with me,coz i couldn get you out of my mind,
they thought i was crazy.. holding on to a lost dream..But when i looked within, i'd find
that i once found love and i kno how it felt,
i cant tarnish that feeling by even trying again! 

i could say that i cant live without you, but that would be a lie
i could say you complete me, life without you is no life at all... i could try!
but darling you know as well as i do that none of that is true,
coz saying all of that would demean what it is that i feel for you...

so how is the right way to approach this?what should or shouldn i say?
coz there is so much within,waitin to be heard..im scared il scare you away
don get me wrong, my feelings are true,
but your gonna feel pressured and then freak out.. n don even try to disagree- i know you.

but i think its high time now,considering the time we have let slip,
if you still don get it,id rather move on and get a grip.
you and i are meant to be,i know this to be true,
no one else has made me wanna be a better person and no one else can take the place of you.

you stirred me from my state of eternal peace to walk the earth with you,
you called out to my soul, and it responded,i kno this to be true.
coz the day i looked into your eyes, i knew you were sent from above,
i felt my soul entwine with yours and become one,i felt love. 

FRUIT OF LOVE

i lie awake, drenched in my sweat.

i shut my ears to drown out the screams..

and yet i hear that voice again,

its calling out to me or so it seems.

where did it begin, how did it end?

can life be just this misery?

how did i get myself till here...

this place where I'm no longer free.

i feel his hands reach for my hair,

pull me up and slam me against the door.

this time i scream, and then i see,

its not real.. it wont happen no more.

i hear the cry of my unborn child...

or is that my voice as i let go?

i try to sleep, but how can i?

when the pain burns right into my soul?

i loved this man, with all i had,

i loved him until the abuse.

what sort of love demands from you

to put up with being battered and bruised?

and so i left, and tried to heal,

almost did,so long as i forgot my child.

but once you've killed you never forget,

the price you pay for being mild.

and thus, today you see me strong,

my armor on, always on guard.

maybe now you will finally understand,

why my eyes are cold and hard.

how can you ask me to love again

when I'm shattered deep inside?

who can ever love a girl

who has so much to hide?

its not that i don believe in love,

i remember the blood, the pain.

don get me wrong-it's just that I'm scared

to be hurt once again.

TRAPPED WITHIN MY MIND

Laughter rings out loud,on that bright summer day,

We were basking on the grass... so careless, so gay.

The sun seeps in through canopies, forming brilliant streams of light,

I gaze into your eyes, everything will be alright.

The colors then grew richer, it took on deeper hues,

Those reefers were so good, it drove away the blues.

I looked up at the clouds-saw angels in the sky,

I looked within myself-saw wings-believed that i could fly!

But wait... The sounds-they are fading... it all just seems astray

What is this I'm looking at?

What is this... so grey.

The sounds have now returned, but the vision, it has changed.

Half-drunk bottles of liquor, have made us quite deranged!

We walk the streets in daylight, we stagger to be fair-

Singing songs so loud, it turns heads that look on with despair.

Nothing stops the ruccus, we dwell in our own worlds,

We laugh.. we sing.. we dance.. we hurl.

Fantasies governed us then, the wine never stopped its flow,

The chaos has a rhythm, and you tried to grab its glow.

That day was filled with madness, Youth was on our side,

Little did we know that Life would change the tide...

And again i wonder... Why does it all seem so far away?

What is this that I'm looking at?

What is this...? It's all so grey...

A lady visits me often, offering potions for better health,

She glides closer to me and injects me with stealth.

I smile away slowly, the questions seems to cease...

I drift away in slumber... my mind is at ease....

And there it is i see you-but this time , it seems to me

Like the colors aren't so rich anymore, not the way it used to be.

I look up at your angelic face, seeking love, seeking joy...

You turn to me, smile and say that a bong is just a toy.

Your eyes sparkle as you speak of chasing dragons-I could almost taste your thrill!

We enbark on a whole new journey-yet all i feel now is this bloody chill...

My eyes burst open, there's a scream-so far away.

Something about this place... its so grey...

I shut my eyes and start to count, hoping it will fade away.

Now you call out from behind me... I turn to see, you are holding out a tray.

In it you have my salvation, I smile and snort the snow..

Oh yes! It's getting clearer... Oh yes! I love the blow!

We dance the nights with vigour, we paint the city red.

We snort some more, laugh some more, fuck till we wreak the bed.

And though it all you have that look that tells me you want more...

Snort.Down.Smoke.Chase.Fuck till my body is sore...

I think that I'm lucky to have you, as i watch you drift into sleep,

Then i feel it again-that bloody chill-this feeling that gives me the creeps.

My eyes burst open. This time, the scream won't go away...

I look around me... Everything is grey...

The lady rushes back in...No wait...!! There is more than one! Who are these-

The needle pierces! The liquid rushes! So soothing...I'm relaxing...finally some peace!

I'm back in my haven, your arm wrapped around my waist.

Crystalline forms of entertainment lie before us, we have acquired a new taste.

My world exploded before me, the heat stimulating the rush,

A fragment is all that was needed, to turn my world colorful and lush.

But i know you too well my darling, you always want some more.

Conscience discarded,we delve deeper, do things we'd never done before!

Thats when you think of needles...I hesitate...you say it will be alright,

I wasn't sure about it, I know now, I should have put up a fight!

I know whats coming-its me-that bloody scream that won't go away

Yes... It's me, shrill and wailing as i remember-

I know why these walls are grey.

I repressed it for so long, I thought if i tried hard enough i would succeed.

But how could I? Your eyes. Your smile. Your touch... Its making my heart bleed!

I cant forget the day we met- It was the last day I was clean.

I won't forget the day you left-I can't forget-the ghastly corpse... I wish I'd never seen.

I remember now, my last words to you, I'd said,"I love you too!"

I remember now, waking up to your body beside me- cold and blue

My world shattered  my soul was gone and as i flipped, I heard the scream.

I reach for the knife...I cut myself... I was coming to you or so it seemed...

We were in on this together, so why do you get to leave me behind to stay?

I'm in this hell without you-clean...lost....hurting-the walls are all grey.

MY APOLOGY

i wrap my legs around your waist,

you kiss me, that familiar taste,

thoughts rush in, you start to reason,

u give up, stop.

everyday i wake, to the thought of you,

i wonder if u think of me too.

my body aches for your touch,

i never knew that i could crave so much.

i try so hard to get over those nights,

tell myself its over, tell myself it wasn't right.

but how can i reason with my heart? 

how do i let go without falling apart?

since those nights, so much has changed,

your distant, hurt, bitter, paranoid, deranged.

im still waiting for you to smile back, waiting for you to call,

im still hoping you will forgive me, hoping we could restart it all.

i hurt you, i know that.. but i don't understand why

it's so hard for you to let go? forgive me... just try...

u don't get how it kills me, everytime you put up that wall

everytime you look away, that hard set of ur jaw- makes my skin crawl.

it's just the ego darling, let it go, it will set you free.

i know i messed up, i know, i know, and you know i feel guilty,

but could that one mistake be enough to reverse

everthing we built so far, for better or for worse?

forgive me love, im only human-there are many things that i lack,

but my heart is always open to you, won't you take me back

into your arms, where im safe, where i fit like a glove,

and this time, we won't stop...let's go all the way...let's make love.