I LOVE MYSELF

I tried to look into the mirror today,

Look into my eyes and say,

“I love you, Maria! You are perfect the way you are”

I looked into my eyes and said, “I love,

I stopped and broke down into sobs.

Do I really love my self? I wondered.

REJECTION

I was born perfect-two arms two legs,

Organs intact- A perfect child.

But, somehow, I was not enough.

Mother didn’t want me; she thought I was daddy’s little pet,

Father saw mommy in me, he choose to beset.

Brother dearest wanted me dead, told me I was a decision they regret.

How subtle the abuse, but, it scarred me deep within,

Nothing I ever said or did, condoned me of the sin

Of being alive, being around the same space and time

As the people who were meant to love,

The child they brought into the world, a symbol of their love.

But, I was no symbol, just a mistake, one they have to live with now.

UNWORTHY

Why do we teach children they need to be deserving of love?

Why don’t we teach them that they are lovable, here and now?

If someone told me when I was 5, that I am loved just the way I am,

Would I have made the same mistakes, would I give a damn?

I think so, no, I know so- it would have changed the way I saw

The world around me, I wouldn’t have been withdrawn.

It’s not easy to compete with perfection- I was always too weak,

Too stupid too shy, too sad, too opinionated, too lost, and too meek.

“What will become of her?” They wondered aloud, judgment ready

No hope in her to survive the cold harsh world outside, feet unsteady

I’d run. I’d run inward, until inside my shell, I’m safe and sound,

No hope for the future, all hope and dreams crushed to the ground.

MISTRUST

One in which confidence is placed, thus it is defined,

Trust. The one thing you taught me never to do until I find

Someone worthy. But, how could I? When all you ever taught me

Was to never trust anybody- friend or foe, you wouldn’t let me be.

Convinced the world was out to get me, you always advised,

Steer clear of men and their sweet talks, they’re just devils disguised.

I listened to you intently; your fears became mine too,

Craving for your approval, I did as you asked me to do.

“Men only want one thing, men cannot feel, they only lust,” you’d say,

Fear of being used made me turn my back on love and walk away.

Today, I’m paranoid, delusional, distrusting of everyone,

The damage that you have caused can not be undone.

UNHAPPINESS

What is it to be happy? I’ve pondered many times before,

Is it joy? Satisfaction? Pleasure? Or is it something more?

From when I can remember, I was the cause of all your pain,

The reason you were unhappy, the target of all your disdain.

Somehow, Somewhere, things went terribly wrong,

I’ve been guilt-ridden, blaming myself for so long.

Unworthy of this life, I tried to kill myself, but, try as I might

I never succeeded, even God thinks I’m deserving of this plight.

Loneliness, my only friend, I still bore your intolerance with a smile,

I tried and I still try, to make you happy, accept me if only for a while.

Happiness to a lost cause is a dream, to be dreamt on lonely nights,

When the paranoia stills for a bit, when Hope tries to shine bright.

WHO AM I?

What has rejection taught me? What have I gained with fear?

Self-loathing, mistrust and unhappiness, has brought me here

To a place where I can no longer look in the mirror and say,

“I love you, Maria. You are lovable- you are perfect in everyway.”

Am I the sum of my beliefs? Ingrained into me, not even my own.

How do I define my Self, my identity, into what have I grown?

I look into the mirror once more; I have to let go, somehow

Reach into the inner child, pure and perfect, I have to learn to love.

I am not what you tried to make me believe, I cannot be.

I am not the sum of your beliefs, I’m my own, I am unique.

I can mould, adapt, and change everything to become the best of me,

A person who can trust, love, accept, know my Self. You’ll see.

EPIPHANY

I am, and that is enough. I am this moment- this here and now.

I am what I choose to be, I am limitless possibility, I am Love.

I am my best friend, I am my guide, within me is the truth I seek-

If I look within I can find- Courage, Strength, I am no longer weak.

I choose to break free from your shackles of misery, erase these scars.

I Love you, Maria. You are infinite; everlasting- you are perfect the way you are.